Before I say anything, I just want to thank all of you who have sent me notes, made comments, or kept me in your thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're sharing my frustrations. Though I'm still not sure how to move forward—or even where to go for medical help at this point—I've felt so much peace for the past few days. Thanks for that.
I'd also like to warn anyone squeamish about "woman troubles" to just stop reading now.
My test results showed normal insulin, glucose, and testosterone levels with no sign of hyperinsulinemia—I'm not insulin resistant. The nurse told me over the phone that my options for managing my symptoms were to either take birth control or have a baby. I explained to her (as I've explained to about 500 nurses, technicians, receptionists, and doctors over the past two years) that birth control makes me really sick and crazy. She said that the best time to conceive was right after getting off of birth control.
I've heard a lot of things about fertility, birth control, and conception, and that's not one of them. Well, anyway, Tim refuses to let me get back on birth control at all, because it turns me into a frighteningly ill person. Also, I'd like to continue having both a job and friends. So I start talking to her about option two:
"What would you prescribe if I wanted to have a baby now?"
"Nothing, you just wouldn't take birth control."
Hold the phone. That's exactly what I've been doing! And if anything is clear about my condition, it's that I'm not ovulating! So she just says if I don't get pregnant after a while they'll give me fertility pills.
Oh, thanks. Great. Yeah, I'll just keep having two- and three-week-long periods and random bleeding. I'll just keep passing out in the middle of these ridiculous bleeding stints. I'll just keep feeling like I have the flu for weeks or months on end until you people feel like I've suffered enough!
I've seen around seven different doctors over the past two years. Not one has cared enough to figure out what's wrong with me. All they do is say, "Yeah, something's definitely wrong with you," do a few tests, and then give up when they can't figure things out. I don't even know where to go now. How do I find a doctor who will actually commit to fixing what's wrong with me? How bad do I have to let it get before they'll diagnose me with something—ANYTHING—that they can treat somehow?
I hate being so far beyond frustrated, and I hate putting the people I love through worrying about my malfunctioning body when it seems like nobody on earth can do anything about it.
So while I halfheartedly search for an endocrinologist (my last hope in legitimate medicine), I'll be looking Heavenward for help and answers.
(This is the part where I wax spiritual.)
I've always felt like God answers our prayers and blesses us using a lot of everyday things, like doctors or medicine, or like sending a neighbor or visiting teacher rather than an angel. But now I really need a miracle. Doctors have been careless, rude, and unhelpful. Medicine has made me even sicker. I feel like I've exhausted the powers of man, and now all I can depend on is the powers of God that He's given to man. I know God can heal all wounds, and I believe that Jesus walked the Earth and healed the blind, the crippled, the ill, and the dead. The power of God, or the priesthood, can tear things apart or make them whole. I know that God can heal me.
I also know that he will only heal me if that's what's best for me. I trust him to leave my body broken if that is what will make me more ready to come home to him someday. As I seek this miracle, please keep me in your prayers. I know that no matter what happens, your prayers will always have the power to lift my spirits and support me each day.