Saturday, November 22, 2008

Shoot Me Now

The last neighbors that lived above us were occasionally annoying. It's inevitable, though, when you have a child. And hardwood floors. Those hardwood floors conduct sound better than Bose speakers. When I find out who came up with the bright idea of putting wood flooring in a second story condo, I will shoot him in the face. In. The. Face.

Anyway, the last occupants of the overhead apartment would let their child run in shoes through the apartment at all hours of the night. I mainly wondered how they could stand having a child who never seemed to sleep.

The Part Where I Complain

I would rather have Tap Dogs living upstairs than the guitarist and groupie wife that moved in a couple of weeks ago. They are the worst kind of people. Between last night and today, Mr. Upstairs spent no less than 24 consecutive hours playing ONE SONG on his guitar. The good news is that he went from sounding like a cellotarist (someone who tilts a cello sideways on his lap and strums it) to sounding like a wannabe guitarist.

Apparently the encore to his incredibly long performance was his rendition of a song he wrote himself. Hooray. And while he's busting a tonsil trying to sound like Dashboard over the kitchen, Mrs. Upstairs is in the bedroom jumping on the bed—yes, jumping on the bed—like a twelve-year-old at a slumber party screaming along to a cover of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. The screaming of lyrics has yet to stop.

The Horrible Singing

It wouldn't be so bad if this were a one-time thing. Oh how I wish that were the case. Groupie girl makes a habit of blasting [insert name of current talentless girl band] and shouting along as she does her hair in the morning. It's spurred me on more than one occasion to forgo blowdrying and flee to work earlier than usual. No offense to my former roommates, but one of the perks of getting married was not having to hear pop music ever again.

She sings as if nobody can hear her, but I can. I'm sure it would mortify her if I walked up there, knocked on her door, and said, "Hey overgrown tween groupie! I just wanted to let you know that when you're screeching along to the tunes of Lillix, I can hear every brain-pulverizing note. And yes, you really sing terribly. It's so bad I feel like buying a gun so I can put it in my mouth and let the last sounds I ever hear be the double click of a cock and a really loud bang rather than your talentless singing."

Was that too far? I think the gun thing was too far.

Good Noise

The sound of the trains that go by, the crying and stomping of children, the sound of Chris grumbling and mumbling about people/computer/project problems—these are things I can stand. In some ways they are the comforting noise of my life's routines, constantly reassuring me that I haven't drifted into that episode of The Twilight Zone where everyone on Earth suddenly disappears except me.

So What Do We Do?

To wrap this up, I'd like to say this about band guys: I hate them. I made the mistake of dating one once. Boy did he turn out to be a nightmare. When band guys aren't producing music that may or may not be worth hearing, they're usually making the world a more disgusting and disappointing place to live. That's why we should keep them all in soundproof cells in Music Prison, where their good products can be exported to the listening world, and their bad habits and bad music can simply soak into the padded walls.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm Hot = MIT Ho.

No, I'm not an MIT ho. And you probably already know I'm not hot. But today, someone accidentally called me hot, and I found an interesting anagram generator and decided to anagram myself. Here were the most interesting ones:
  • Monogamy Raider
  • Diagram Ye Moron
  • Manage Miry Odor
  • Merry Mood Again
  • My Eroding Aroma
  • (My favorite) Gray Moor Maiden

  • (just my first and last names)

  • Mangy Odor
  • Angry Mood
Wasn't that fun? Go find your own anagrams!

As a disturbing side note, there were many more anagrams available, almost all of which had to do with (a) violence, (b) body odor, (c) cows, or (g) orgies (pardon the word and adjacent wordplay, please). I didn't think those would be nice to include.

Monday, November 17, 2008


We all get grumpy every now and then. Right now, I'm grumpy.

I'm grumpy at Texas for not linking its language arts standards in any kind of sensible way, thus causing me to waste hours of work on a correlation that will be out of date in 9 months.

I'm grumpy at whoever runs the heat in my office building because it's so hot my head could explode.

I'm grumpy at the Relief Society for having a "good news minute" every Sunday that might as well be called the "announce your pregnancy minute."

I'm grumpy at my hairstylist for giving me too many highlights.

I'm grumpy at my body for not being able to act normal for more than 24 hours.

I'm grumpy at the endocrinologist for being booked halfway through January.

I'm grumpy at . . . actually, I think that's it.

I'm kind of relieved actually.


Thursday, November 6, 2008


I just read a talk by Elder Maxwell given at BYU 30 years ago (well, 30 years minus four days). I highly encourage you to read it. I can't email it to everyone, but I found it so comforting and inspiring, I wanted to share it with those of you who would appreciate it.

I haven't yet written about all of the amazing things that happened the weekend before last. I spent the weekend with my mother—a woman who knows me too well and still wants to be my friend. I saw my friend Eileen endowed and sealed to her husband and daughter in the temple. I visited my friend Miriam and her day-old son in the hospital.

The weekend was filled with the kind of precious experiences that I will never forget in all of the eternities to come.

I mentioned over a month ago my quest for healing. As happens so often, I was surprised by the way things unfolded. Above all, I know that my life and my health are in the Lord's hands, and with that conviction, I neither fear nor doubt the future, or God's plan for me.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I have a few favorite snacks that are pretty easy and delicious, and I thought I'd share them with all of you.

My first snack is extremely simple—easy enough to make at work, for a fast but wholesome breakfast, or when you're craving something sweet but not too sugary. Take some Just Bunches (you know, the newish cereal that's like Honey Bunches of Oats but with no flakes)—make sure they're not caramel flavored. Yuck. Anyway, use a little less than you would eat with milk, and pour a few spoonfuls of Stonyfield Farm Fat Free Organic Yogurt (French Vanilla flavor is the best) over the top. Mix it up to coat the bunches, and TADAH! You've got a darn good snack with calcium that WON'T make you sick if you're lactose intolerant, soy intolerant, too poor to buy almond milk, and a staunch hater of rice milk. In fact, it's better than cereal and milk. I know I'm not the first person to think of putting granola in yogurt, but I thought I'd remind you all how wonderful it really is. Also, the Paradise Bakery and Cafe makes an excellent strawberry yogurt and granola parfait, but theirs did make my lactose intolerant tummy rumble quite a bit.

My second delicious snack works well as an hors d'oeuvre. In the interest of full disclosure, I'll tell you now it's not healthy at all. All you need is a package of Boursin cheese (if you've never had Boursin, eating this tasty morsel is one mouth-watering experience you can't live without), six strips of your favorite bacon, a green bell pepper, and a can of crescent rolls. Cook up the bacon and break it into one-inch pieces. Cut the bell pepper into strips about 1/4 inch wide and one inch long. Open up the can of crescent rolls, rip each triangular piece of dough roughly in half, and place one piece of bacon, one slice of bell pepper, and a half-teaspoon or so (hey, go nuts, it's your expensive cheese) in the middle of each piece of dough. Wrap each pile up in the dough, put them on a baking sheet, and follow the baking instructions on the can of crescent rolls.

What I like most about these recipes is that there's no measuring involved. Who needs to dirty a bunch of little plastic scoops every time they cook? Not me!

In Other News . . .

For the sake of not writing another post, I'll tell you here that I finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist. Unfortunately, they couldn't get me in to see her until the middle of January! That's in TEN WEEKS! But at least I'm in, and I can put off the disappointment that's likely to come with whatever the good doctor has to say about my condition.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

My Zune

I have a Zune. I own, use, and love a Microsoft Zune 30G PMP. It may be a little chunky, but hey, so am I! I also own a Mac, which makes me one of like eight people in the world who have used a Zune with an Apple computer. Anyway, today I've been missing my Zune. It's somewhere in the car or under my bed or something. Since I've been sick and relatively non-mobile the past couple of days, I haven't needed it, but I was craving some election day radio at work, and it wasn't there. Anyway, in honor of my 30th post, here are seven reasons my Zune is awesome:
  1. Radio—The Zune comes with a built-in FM tuner that will show you what song you're listening to on the radio. It even lets you tag it so you can buy it later.

  2. Wireless Store—I can shop for music anywhere there's wireless, so if I find a song I like, I can buy it next time I'm in a hot spot.

  3. Wireless Syncing—I can sync my Zune anywhere in apartment! Tim set up our computer to be a DVR (like TiVO), and he configured it so every show we record automatically converts to a readable format and syncs to my Zune. How cool is that? Next time I'm bored (which hasn't happened too often lately), I can just whip out my Zune and watch last night's rerun of Say Yes to the Dress.

  4. Awesome Interface—The Zune interface is the peak of usability. I know some of you will disagree with me there, but I believe it to be a gorgeous and incredibly intuitive system.

  5. Custom Background—A huge part of the interface's beauty is the fact that I can choose my own background image. Also, the screen is big enough that having a background image doesn't make it a huge mess. Right now, my background is a close-up of drops of water on the edge of a leaf.

  6. Big Screen—The screen is turned sideways, so there's more room. I can't believe nobody thought of that before.

  7. Sentimental Value—My Zune was Tim's big gift to me for our first Christmas as husband and wife. I unwrapped the package and found a Chex cereal box. I was in the middle of thanking Tim for his thoughtful gift of one of my favorite cereals when he pointed out that there weren't any Chex in the box.

The joys of Zune ownership are many.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Sick Season

Cold Season. Flu Season. Winter. The reign (and rain) of germs. Whatever you like to call it, the time to be cold and sick and miserable is here.