Things That Are Awkward

We all have special days where almost everything turns out like a weird perversion of real life. Between work and a wedding reception, I had my share of awkward moments today.

First, work was weird. My computer broke for the fifty billionth time this week, and the IT guy, whose extension I have memorized from overuse, had to come and fix it. In case you haven't experienced such intense disharmony with your computer, I'll tell you this: it feels really awkward when the IT guy spends more time on your computer than you do. And then he tells the whole rest of the office how it was my computer that somehow fouled up the entire wireless network. People are starting to think that I'm so attention starved I'm breaking my computer on purpose. Quite frankly, I don't have the technical knowledge to so intensely mess things up myself.

And then, Flash and I started having serious relationship problems. I wanted to display a video with full controls on a php page. Flash wanted to show a video without controls or nothing at all. It took about four phone calls and way too many dudes crowded around my desk to fix it. If I didn't already, at this point, I felt like a complete idiot.

Fortunately, the next two gaffes weren't mine. Wedding receptions are usually a little weird, but tonight's toasts were, well, awkward. The first, by the maid of honor, threatened and subsequently delivered a poem in the form of personalized lyrics to a song from the soundtrack of The Best Two Years. The recital was only a little awkward—until she started singing and crying simultaneously.

The best man's toast was sweet, entertaining, and everything a toast should be. Except at the end, when he finished his "the groom doesn't eat sweets"-themed speech, he announced, "Kyle, I want you to enjoy the sweetness of your wedding cake before you enjoy the sweetness of your marriage." The phrase did not go over well. At all. In fact, I'm fairly sure the entire family of the bride (which includes over sixty cousins) gave an audible disgusted grumble. That's when we decided to leave before the dancing started.

To celebrate just how awkward life can get, here are a few other doozies:

1. When your roommate's gay friend used to bring minor boys over to hang out—and noticing that they all had the same basic features.


2. Mentioning a terrible smell before you realize that it's the perfume of the woman sitting next to you.


3. Using the handicapped stall in the restroom when a person in a wheelchair comes in.


4. Bathrooms that are directly connected to the room all of your friends are hanging out in, instead of down the hall where the bathroom would be in any civilized home.


5. (Last scatological comment) Having insanely noxious gas when your friends decide to involve you in a tickle fight.


6. Telling your mother-in-law that you're not so "crazy" that you think sparkling apple cider is evil because it comes in what looks like a wine bottle, only to find out that the reason she so politely asked is that her parents were of precisely that opinion.


7. Every conversation I've ever had with my sister-in-law-in-law.

So my life has had its share of the kind of moments that make you want to rip your own face off so nobody will ever have to see it again. Days like today, I can handle.