Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dear Body:

I think we're both a bit confused about what you're doing right now. I hate to make it so formal, but I need to give you an official written warning that your behavior is unacceptable, and should you fail to improve over the next month, more drastic measures will be in order.

In our first interview, you specifically stated that you were proficient in digestion. You performed that job admirably for some years. You dealt well with personal challenges, such as lactose intolerance. Your overall fitness for the job over your first sixteen years was excellent—I believe we even awarded you the Sixpack of Amy Gordon award for several years in a row. Things seem to have taken a turn upon your promotion to manager of reproductive affairs.

Since that time, your performance has been a disappointment to upper management. While we understand a certain adjustment period to your new job, and we realize that it may take you a while to be able to fully fill your position as manager of reproductive affairs, we cannot tolerate your loss of competence in all of your job functions.

While we agreed that you could keep a roomier office on one of the middle floors, you have begun to take up more space than is appropriate, considering that you have not been performing your duties in gestation. You seem to be creating the image of gestation, when no reproductive work is actually occurring. This kind of deception is unacceptable here at Amy Gordon.

We have appreciated your work here, and we have seen you overcome great challenges during your career. Because of our great respect for your intelligence and abilities, we will allow you to continue to work here under several conditions:
  1. You must downsize your department. Cut the fat, and you could have another Sixpack of Amy Gordon year.

  2. Resume your digestive functions.

  3. Within two years, achieve some degree of success in gestation, including the manufacturing of our company's most valuable product.
Should you fail to achieve any one of these goals, you will be demoted to head of digestion and basic functions, and we will outsource your position as the manager of reproductive affairs. Should you continue to fail in your simpler job functions, we will have to meet to discuss your options and whether Amy Gordon is really the right place for you.

Thank you for your careful consideration of these matters. We will review your progress when we meet next month.


Amy Gordon
CEO, Amy Gordon


Lisa said...

That's too hilarious. Perfect.

I did the tummy-growing-while-unsuccessfully-trying-to-get-pregnant thing. It was depressing, at the very least.

Brooke said...

Please let me know if this letter works. It sounds a lot easier than the surgeries and what not that I have scheduled.