Saturday, July 31, 2010

When I Grow Up

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina or a stand up comedian. Then I wanted to be a writer. Then I wanted to be a forensic pathologist. Then I wanted to write again. And then I wanted to do math. And then I wanted to edit. And then I wanted to do linguistics. I never particularly wanted to be a mom.

And one day I woke up and realized that being a mom was the most important thing to me in the world. It happened before that day a couple of years ago when a doctor first told me I was probably infertile. It must have been some time after I finally met a man whose children I'd be willing to bear. I could say my biological clock just went "ding" or the pressures of living in a breeding culture finally got to me, but I don't think that's it.

There are moments in life when you find your place and everything seems to work out. Like choosing a major I adored, or marrying a man worth marrying. And whatever compelled me to take what has been a rather perilous journey to motherhood, I say I have found my niche. Of all of the lives I have wished for myself, this is the one I still want the most.

I dance day and night to keep baby calm, and tell ridiculous jokes to a rapt crowd of one. I have seen more medical equipment than I care to talk about. I am writing two life stories and teaching a baby to speak. I am changing diapers. I am changing everything (which is also sometimes poopy).

There will never be anywhere else I am so much wanted or needed. This is what I wanted and needed. So I'll just admit it:

When I grow up, I want to be a mom.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I love it :) And I so understand the biological clock just going "ding" sort of thing--I was totally uninterested in kids growing up--I thought they were a waste of energy and time. Then I met John, and found someone I wanted to have kids with. About 2 months after being married, it's like I NEEDED kids. I wanted them NOW. It was very weird. But I haven't changed that desire now, and we really do have the best job in the world :)