Where Do Babies Come From?

When most people's toddlers ask them this question, they'll likely squirm for a way out of explaining sex. Or they'll come up with some cute metaphor or euphemism that will have their child confused for ages.

Not me. You see, I won't have to shop for a way out of explaining sex to a three year old. Ever. Because I know the truth: babies don't come from sex. It's a widely perpetuated myth, but I think many of us know otherwise. And really, there's no reason to oversimplify the concept to sex = babies for anyone over sixteen. It's such an egregious oversimplification that I'm being nice not to call it an all out lie.

Sure, sex is a required condition, but it's one of among tens. At least tens. So when little Timmy Jr. asks me where babies come from, I'm covered.

It starts with a mommy. The mommy has two little organs called ovaries. They're about the size and shape of almonds, and they have million of little eggs in them. Like the kind that come from chickens.

If mommy is lucky, every month or so her ovaries will talk to a special part of her brain and together they'll make some chemicals that will help an egg grow up. Once that egg is all grown up, mommy's body lets it go from the ovaries using another special chemical. Some mommies don't make all of the chemicals in the right way, and they can't have babies.

Once the egg leaves the ovary, it's still in the mommy's body. If there are cells from a daddy in there (cells are little teeny pieces that make up the body), then one of the daddy cells might just find the egg. When it does, it turns into a little tiny beginning of a baby.

Then, when the little beginning of a baby, called a zygote, finds the right place in the mommy's tummy, it has to hold on tight. If it holds on tight enough, it makes a little home in the mommy's tummy and starts making some of its own chemicals. The baby chemicals and the mommy chemicals work together and help the baby grow. If they don't work together right, or if the baby couldn't hold on tight enough to the mommy's tummy, the baby could stop growing and die. But sometimes all of the chemicals work together right and the baby grows big!

That's when mommy's tummy starts getting all big and round until the baby is about the size of a watermelon. When the baby is big enough, mommy has to squeeze really hard, and the baby comes out!

And that's where babies come from. Simple enough for a child, and glosses over sex easily. How do the daddy cells get there? He puts them there. That's not the important part. It's the chemicals. Trust me. It's the chemicals.

So instead of putting mommy and daddy cells in a test tube and making baby soup, I'm thinking I'll risk another month like this one and try another round on Clomid. We'll see if I can get those chemicals to agree on an appropriate number of eggs to make. It could hurt, but I've been there and done that. If I've proved anything to myself, it's that I can do pain. Pain is my beeotch.

Last chance? My butt! This is America, and I can blow up my ovaries to gargantuan proportions as many times as I want. Or hopefully just until that whole baby thing happens.