Thursday, September 17, 2009

Holding Back

Okay, so there are a lot of things I'm not doing right now. I'm not looking at Babies 'R' Us online to choose baby bedding. I'm not assuming this will work. I'm not thinking seriously about baby names. I'm not entertaining an irrational fear that they'll mix up my embryos with somebody else's and I'll deliver a baby from some poor Guatemalan couple's genes. I'm also not sleeping.

And it's taking lots of effort not to spend hours on ticker websites making cute little pregnancy tickers (which would, by the way, say that I am 1 week and 6 days pregnant). I'm holding back hardcore from wandering the maternity section at Walmart (which is very small and has only one flattering top anyway). I'm only guessing at what my due date would be (June 11, if you were wondering). And I am very much not fantasizing about having twins (are you kidding? Of course I am!).

There is a very fine line between hope that makes this exciting and hope that would make a failure devastating. And tickers, maternity clothes, and due dates will always be there. But I won't dream about hearing that heartbeat or seeing tiny feet pushing out next to my screwy-looking belly button. I'm just looking for little Embryos Gordon. Also, I may have a strong desire to get pictures of all of my embryos to put into an artsy wall hanging like in the exam room I've had the past couple of days. That's probably weird.

Oh, and I promised Mom I'd take NO home pregnancy tests. They'll do blood tests twice in the next several weeks, and I'll have to wait for those. If they come back all positive, then maybe I'll pee on a stick just for fun.


Sarah McMullin said...

We're certain keeping our fingers crossed that Eggs Gordon turn into Embryos Gordon turn into Baby/ies Gordon.

Lisa said...

I know that feeling. The internet makes it almost unbearable, which is why there are about a trillion Yahoo question feeds that answer the question, "Am I pregnant?" The truth is, "Wait for a pregnancy test," but that's almost impossible.

Good luck--I'll be thinking of ya :)