So far I don't have the following conditions:
- Pregnancy
- Hypothyroidism
- Celiac disease
- Excess DHEA
- Too much Prolactin
- GERD
- Ulcers
- H. pylori infection
- And MORE!
Which I suppose is good news . . . or it would be if my body functioned properly!
Anyway, I followed up with a doctor here, who sent me to a different clinic, where they decided to do an oral glucose tolerance test.
After chugging my favorite sugar-laden beverage, I did the blood test and hoped for the best (worst). They said the results would be ready within a couple of days, so two Fridays ago I called them for my results. Yes, I realize I'm being a little impatient, but you would be too if one easily solved problem were at the root of all your health and beauty ills and you were just waiting for the doctor to tell you if it's true! They put me on hold for a really long time, transferred me three times, and then told me to call another number. I waited until the end of the day to call that number, got their answering service, then called back Saturday morning, when they were supposed to be open. Then they tell me I need to call back Monday. I call that same number on Monday, and they send me back to the first number I ever called. Exhausted? Well, I'm not done yet.I called that first number again, then was put on hold for about 10 minutes before I was cut off. I called back, got shuffled through call transfers more times than I can count, and finally reached a person who pulled my file and read me my test results. I'd told them about fifty times at the test and on the phone that the tests the doctor ordered were insulin, glucose, and testosterone. I was a little surprised when the girl on the phone said, "Let's see . . . your hematocrit is great! It's at like 40!"
"What's that?" I asked.
"The iron levels in your blood."
"But I was only supposed to have insulin, glucose, and testosterone labs done."
"Oh," was all she had to say.
"So what were the results of the rest of the tests?"
"Well, your glucose was a little high, so you'll need to go down to the hospital where they'll do the three-hour test. Then, they'll probably diagnose you with gestational diabetes and keep an eye on you for the rest of your pregnancy."
All I could say was, "I'm not pregnant." That phrase looks all innocent with the period at the end, but it certainly wasn't an exclamation point sentence. It came out in a voice so angry it could barely be classified as human. I suppose that I shouldn't have been shocked when the girl replied,
"Uh . . . " and then paused for a full minute. But I was.
"What were my other test results?" I said.
"Um, this is all we have. You'll need to wait for your doctor to call you. Bye!"
I was so pissed, I left work, stopped at the store for some groceries, picked up a box of donut holes, then sat in my car in the parking lot until I was ready to drive without intentionally smearing nearby puppies across the pavement with my tires. Seven to ten donut holes later, I was ready to face the drive home. After a two-hour angry nap (a habit Lindsay Bluth and I share), I whined to Tim about it. After a night's sleep and a day's work, I felt better enough to joke about it. To this day I'm still shocked at the amazing insensitivity it takes to assume someone is pregnant when in reality they're being tested for one of the leading causes of infertility. Anyway, I began to suspect that they had done the wrong tests from the beginning, and that the lab tech had assumed I was preggers when she took the tests and just took the wrong ones.
So last Tuesday I called the clinic again and asked for some follow up on my results. I finally talked to a competent nurse, who did a little research and got back to me. Yep, they did the wrong tests, and I'd have to do the whole freaking thing again. The nurse I went to see the next morning was really TO'd over the whole thing. Her indignation made me feel infinitely better. She decided that they'd salvage the data from the last test and do another one. I still suspect that depending on my results, I'll have to take more tests.
They promised to call me back today, but since their phones roll to the answering service in 35 minutes, I'm willing to bet that's not going to happen. Oh well. It could always be worse:
Oregon Hospital Tells 71-Year-Old Grandfather: 'We Know You Are Pregnant'
PORTLAND, Ore. — John Grady Pippen of Gold Beach doesn't look pregnant. And he's not.
But after a hospital visit earlier this month, the staff gave the 71-year-old grandfather pain pills and paperwork explaining his delicate condition.
"Based on your visit today," the paperwork told him, "we know you are pregnant."
The retired mechanic and logger had sought help for agonizing abdominal pain at Curry General Hospital in Gold Beach.
Hospital administrator William McMillan says an errant keystroke caused the hospital's computer to spit out the wrong discharge instructions.
The theme this year was "Faster Stronger Englishier." Also, someone asked me if prettify was a word. I said yes, and if you're wondering why, it's because you can add derivational suffixes to words to change the part of speech, and that's okay. I mean, you can change beauty to beautify. Plus, you know people say prettify all the time, and it fits quite comfortably within English phonotactic constraints. Anyway, some people tittered when I confidently declared prettify a word, and lest any of you think I have a sense of humor, I wanted to clarify my completely unfunny reasons for accepting such a strange wordification.
For the Imagilympics, we were divided into teams. I was the token female on Team Tahiti. We ended up being one of the "less enthusiastic" teams, especially compared to Mexico's mustaches and sombreros, France's scarves and baguettes, and Taiwan's ability to speak another language. Our prior planning consisted almost solely of wearing plastic leis. Our team was unremarkable in almost every way, which is my excuse for why Mexico and France had so much more photo coverage than we did. Either that, or the photographer has a secret crush on someone who just happened to spend more time with those teams.
We failed miserably at most of the activities, until it was time for the Integrity Challenge, which consisted of building a very tall tower out of a box of random stuff: paper, tape, straws, chewing gum, plastic cups, and the box itself. We beat the next highest score by three quarters of an inch, and took second place! The Integrity Challenge was probably the most fun of the events, and it was the only one in which we placed except for Human Foosball. Those of you who know me well realize that I have a serious sports deficiency when it comes to all games involving round flying objects. What I discovered during Human Foosball was that when I'm tethered to a sliding PVC pipe, my suck ratio decreases from 95% to 83%. My ridiculous face ratio, however, remains the same.
A dozen roses really go a long way. Well, they do when your cat doesn't spend his non-napping hours trying to eat them. I understand his attraction to shiny things and unattended meals, but roses? Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I'd stopped by the salon to have my hair done, since I left all of my styling tools in Provo (oops!). Unfortunately, after the walk back to the apartment all of the curls had fallen out. So much for my Victoria's Secret model hair—the only part of a VS model I would dare attempt to imitate. Once I'd completed throwing the rest of myself together, I looked something like the photo below.
I'd had to actually remove my nail polish while my hair was being done, since the two-dollar bottle I'd purchased the day before turned out to be almost entirely worthless: it went on clumpy, dried too quickly, and chipped within a few hours. I didn't even have time to replace it with the bottle of trusty Sally Hansen I'd purchased on my way home.
I had to keep stealing Tim's frites since they were so delicious I told him I'd have to leave him in order to marry them. This confession elicited the following mental picture for both of us:
Denver, CO—Friday night a young woman was caught in the act of consuming the fried remains of her second husband, whom she had married just that afternoon. Since this gruesome end to a very short love affair cannot exactly be called cannibalism, the woman was allowed to go free. When asked for an explanation of her conduct, she had no comment, but her eulogy at Saturday's quickly planned funeral gave friends and family some insight into her feelings: "Though my beloved husband died last night, he has not really passed away. He remains in all of us. At least in me. For the next few hours."
$360 Slinky Deep Teal Dress: $31.50 on sale at Neiman's! It needs a few alterations to be modest, but at that price, it's totally worth it. Yay for cheapies!
$695 Strappy Dark Gold Stilettos: $78.00, also on sale at Neiman's. I guess when a few seasons go by these puppies find their way into outlets and get marked down over and over again until someone like me can afford them!
Gold Concentric Circle Earrings: $7.50 at Claire's. Not everything in the mall can be on sale. And yes, I do find it appropriate to shop in the little girls' section, but only for jewelry! They were cheap, but simple enough not to look too shabby with the whole ensemble.